She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
