I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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