Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
My vagina just recognized that song.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
