Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
