A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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