Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
