i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
