is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
