Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
