I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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