I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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