I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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