as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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