ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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