It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
