dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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