unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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