Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
