she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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