Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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