i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
