just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
