Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
