If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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