where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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