Will you blow on my dice?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize