me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
