I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
