evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
