1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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