so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
