it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
