if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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