My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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