I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
farters have to be the big spoon...
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Randomize
