so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
