Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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