my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
