I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
