she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Randomize
