im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
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