There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
