i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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