onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
