This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Randomize
