So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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