Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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