She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
