I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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