Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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