i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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