I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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