People in love make me want to vomit
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I am available for nakedness
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
