I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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