1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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