on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
