I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
