dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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