You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
My ass is underappreciated
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
