i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
