If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I am available for nakedness
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
