um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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