he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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