Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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