i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
she pinky promised me she was 18
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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