so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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