You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
