woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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