Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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