I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
His hands were made for my vagina.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
