she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
